Why so angry?

Many clients in anger management have quit their relationships before they began. They got hooked for all the wrong reasons and end up blaming the other. “Grit” is a term used for looking at determination. There has to be something that is wanted, writing a book, getting a promotion a or having a successful relationship. The latter doesn’t just happen, many sit back and wait for it to work out. They play a passive role. If there is a goal to have or be something it requires being active, to get a job requires making phone calls, visits, and seeing what is wanted. The same applies in a relationship.

No job is perfect, no relationship is perfect, there are always ups and downs. The partners have to want it. To have a successful job means being positive and realistic, which means seeing what works and maximizing that plus dealing with what Isn’t working. When good results materialise there is a result, acknowledgement, pride and celebration. How much of that goes on in a relationship?

In work, time is spent reviewing progress. Is there the same discipline in a relationship? No business will thrive if it lives on blame, the same goes for a relationship. The wedding may be a fairy tale, but reality demands work and commitment. People succeed in life because they have grit and they fail when they don’t have grit. They have enthusiasm despite the hurdles.Relationships live and die by the same rules.

Nigel Turner

Two men in a bar have n argument over the quality of pitching in the Toronto Blue Jays. They disagree, they fight and one ends up dead. Unfortunately it is a classic anger confrontation where the issue gets blown out of all proportion. In anger management we see this all the time, fights about nothing. Fortunately no one gets killed. In this instance someone did. It wasn’t meant to happen. “I didn’t mean to kill him” will be the plea.

What does this tell us? When we get angry and lash out we have no idea of the consequences. Anger is the weapon to gain compliance. The universal law is to every action there is a reaction. It generally comes from where it is least expected. Angry people have only one thought, if I hit them they will agree with me. The intent, strange as it sounds is to draw people closer. It didn’t turn out as planned. One wonders why? Why should it. The angry person makes the assumption: it’s definitely going to go my way.

It is exacerbated by booze. These two were drinking so in their minds they believed their logic was clear. In reality their emotions became stronger and their reality checks disappeared.

That is very sad arrogance. A second observation is why do they have to be right? Why is it so important to have agreement? What will happen if they don’t agree with me? Somehow it was a life or death situation that agreement was essential. Except the wrong person died. Emotionally weak people are unable to live with rejection. The problem as in this case was they had too much muscle and not enough brains.

Think before you hit.

Nigel Turner

Teenagers often belittle adults ‘ concern about pot use as interfering and irrelevant. However studies are showing that early use of pot, i.e. during those teenage years can have a detrimental effect on the person’s lives because it affects their IQ. The brain for a teenager is not fully formed, and for boys it is even less formed than for girls. In the teenage period the brain is being organized to be efficient in making decisions.

A recent study over a long period of time (38 years) sadly indicates those with pot dependent histories as teenagers have less memory capability and suffered attention problems . Often not being able to focus or forgetting to do tasks. To the teenager this may sound trivial yet their IQ was lower than the mean. For those individuals that will probably mean a less fulfilling life, less income, less education and a shorter life.

It is hard for a teenager to recognize these implications. As teenagers “We knew everything” If they start using at say 13 and are taking more than once a week, then the brain which is vulnerable gets permanently impaired. Of course teens will say “That won’t happen to me”, or they will assume that once they stop everything will revert to normal. Unfortunately the numbers don’t lie. The brain once formed, stays formed the way it is and on average pot smokers have a lower IQ by 8% . This means when smart decisions are required they wont be able to keep up. Similar studies with alcohol and nicotine indicate similar results.

Nigel Turner

This method is used a lot these days as a way of tempering our mood. The mood could be anxiety, revenge, jealousy, negativity or depression + many others. What it gets people to do is to write down on paper what the thought is, and then question it. What normally happens, we have a thought and automatically run with it without question. We make automatic decisions without asking hard questions.

The method is in any situation a triggering thought comes up “I’m scared I’ll fail” “She has always had it in for me” “I’m going to feel awful”. Then there is a word that goes with it. I will fail leads to fear, to panic, and to hopelessness. There is one that stands out, it is very intense. Along with these thoughts there are many immediate thoughts that provide evidence that this IS the way it is. Write them down. Then there is probably just as much evidence that could counter these automatic words. Write them down. Then evaluate and write out a measured statement that although I have these triggering thoughts it could equally be possible…….This could be” Despite expecting to fail there is evidence that when I get serious positive things happen e.g. such and such”. Write it down. Then check your mood. Has it shifted? By much? What could that mean?

The discipline is in the writing it down. This is a successful proven method .Of course your response might be” I don’t believe it, it works for every one else but not for me.” That is called an automatic script that needs to be challenged. Start writing and see where it takes you.

Nigel Turner

There is a relationship between the workaholic and anger. The typical workaholic spends his day chasing tasks that have t o be done. The day begins at 6.30 and goes on to midnight. Always having to get another job done. He has no time for any relationship other than business.
“All work and no play make Jack a dull boy”. Along with dull is a troubled person who is operating life like the rat in the wheel, never being able to go fast enough and always finding itself at the bottom. What is the motivation? Whatever exists is not enough. There can be no relaxing because there is always more to do to catch up. The trouble is ‘catching up’ never happens. Like a carrot in front of the nose it is always just too, too far ahead.

Such a person is full of anxiety. Unfortunately everything that gets in his way is regarded as a threat. Consequently he is never happy always believing he hasn’t got enough. Many men in anger management suffer from this affliction. They have hostile and barren relationships because they are unable to unwind, and very often have been served with divorce papers with no idea why.

Despite being great performers there is an underlying sense of inadequacy. Self esteem is in the dumps. Life has no pleasures. As soon as one deal is made, it is on to the next. His anger stems from his anxiety and until the anxiety is addressed nothing will change. The inability to enjoy the rewards leads to constant dissatisfaction and a pain in the butt to be around.

Nigel Turner

There is a relationship between the workaholic and anger. The typical workaholic spends his day chasing tasks that have t o be done. The day begins at 6.30 and goes on to midnight. Always having to get another job done. He has no time for any relationship other than business.

“All work and no play make Jack a dull boy”. Along with dull is a troubled person who is operating life like the rat in the wheel, never being able to go fast enough and always finding itself at the bottom. What is the motivation? Whatever exists is not enough. There can be no relaxing because there is always more to do to catch up. The trouble is ‘catching up’ never happens. Like a carrot in front of the nose it is always just too, too far ahead.

Such a person is full of anxiety. Unfortunately everything that gets in his way is regarded as a threat. Consequently he is never happy always believing he hasn’t got enough. Many men in anger management suffer from this affliction. They have hostile and barren relationships because they are unable to unwind, and very often have been served with divorce papers with no idea why.
Despite being great performers there is an underlying sense of inadequacy. Self esteem is in the dumps. Life has no pleasures. As soon as one deal is made, it is on to the next. His anger stems from his anxiety and until the anxiety is addressed nothing will change. The inability to enjoy the rewards leads to constant dissatisfaction and a pain in the butt to be around.

Nigel Turner

This is the sort of dialogue we hear in anger management classes and nobody bats an eyelid. This is the sort of headline that actually came from politicians. It is not OK for our clients to behave like this but is OK for politicians to operate this way.

It is a double standard, with the police standing idly by probably bored stiff at the outburst. Theoretically politicians are there to represent us with the noble idea of compromise and good government. In reality it is a classic case of the anger cycle. One side says something, the other side takes offense and becomes more offensive which gets kicked back to the first side and so the altercation spirals upwards and out of control. Each politician regresses emotionally from being an adult to being a child. Their cognitive distortions go wild. They are full of self justification as they get emotionally hooked on having to be right.

A five year old is full of dramatics to get attention and has no sense of being out of line. Politicians ape this behavior with a vengeance. If politicians need some anger management then maybe anger management clients would make good politicians. And maybe that is happening anyway.

What s it about us as voters that seem to like it this way? Are they living out our own fantasies of what we would really like to do? And they do it for us, Are we disgusted or envious? Just curious.

Nigel Turner

We normally focus on men and drinking and abuse, but studies indicate women have their own patterns of drinking which have historically been ignored. Married men drink less than divorced or single men. Men generally drink more than women. But women living with a male drinker tend to drink more than single women.

What does this mean as far as this type of relationship goes? We often hear in anger management men who complain their spouses were drunk in their altercations. Usually both sides have been drinking when fights have occurred. We always say to the man that he has to deal with his drinking before he can deal with his marriage as his behavior indicates that he cannot safely drink. And his drinking can effect her drinking which means that neither side has any objectivity in a fight.

We also ask the man as to why he wants to live with a drinking woman and we get weak answers that “I love her” which usually implies some level of co-dependence. If the man does deal with his drinking he is in a far better position to determine whether he wants to remain in the marriage. If he doesn’t then there is little hope unless she gets to deal with her problems or the relationship will continue to spin out of control.

Nigel Turner

This was a phrase coined years ago originally applied to public policy which frequently yielded results that were unexpected. Any client in anger management class is experiencing “unintended consequences” It is the last place they expected to be.

Sometimes good things happen, we call that luck. Or it could be unexpected, a man who is needy craves a woman’s affection ends up being disrespected and dumped, or as these clients know the result is very perverse, taking them to a very uncomfortable result.

The cause of these consequences can be ignorance, or error that an outburst had worked in the past so it should work every time, most often it is the man’s immediate interest that dominates overlooking other’s interests. Often it is a clash of ideas. She will do as I want ignores that she will do as she wants. It can even be a self fulfilling prophecy: I expect the relationship to break down so he keeps doing everything to make the relationship break down.

The underlying premise of life is everything is in relationship to something or somebody else. If ignored when it comes to anger can be a very costly mistake. Thinking of consequences first (not after) is the smart way to confront stuff getting out of control.

Nigel Turner

Richard Burton used these words about Elizabeth Taylor, and probably meant it, however long term there countervailing factors. They were in love, particularly at the physical level. So lust brought them together along with it an addictive infatuation with each other. For each of them the other held so much power. This lead to serious drunken fights attacking each other with no holds barred. At the same time each had a history of being involved with others, they each had over five marriages, and even in marriage they were not restricted to monogamous liaisons.

The element of great passion was not countervailed by any moderation. So neither side ever felt complete in themselves, always driven to want more because what was there was never quite enough. It lead to a permanent restless dissatisfaction and yet they were it seemed even when apart they were still hooked to each other.

While our clients in anger management are not of the Burton Taylor fame, they have the same characteristics of being always on the move and over the top in regard to their partners. The sadist part is their false grandiosity is mirrored with shame and low self esteem. These are difficult issues to confront. But life is life and until they do deal with these issues nothing will ever satisfy despite their intense passion. Probably Burton and Taylor never did.

Nigel Turner

New studies of brain science have come up with both expected and unexpected conclusions about women and sex. Many women are more turned on by partners they are not emotionally involved with. Which could open them up to want more affairs than men. On the other hand long term couples have strong dopamine reactions to enjoyable sex. Basically because their own pleasure circuits are functioning well. This would imply a level of intimacy and positive trust that generates so much pleasure.

Good relationships need sex to keep the positive vibes alive. However research shows that it is possible to have as much stimulation through fantasy than actual touching. Also women get as much stimulation as men do from porn. Sex is still a weapon with women to withhold it if they don’t feel emotionally satisfied or supported. If she withholds what does a man do? He goes solo which apparently he finds more satisfying for him than she does for her.

For a man in anger management, two things emerge. How aware of her needs has he been? And to have good sex he must consistently be able to generate happiness both in and out of bed.

Nigel Turner

Many men in anger management complain about their wives nagging them and a cause of their friction. But it is useful to ask: why are these women so upset? A study of comparison between same sex couples versus heterosexual relationships show that tasks and roles in the relationship are defined very differently.

In most straight marriages even if both parties work out of the home, the woman does more work in the home compared to the man. She does more tasks, she does more organizing, she also is expected to manage the relationship. In a same sex marriage this is not the case, Jobs are divided more equally, responsibilities seem to be more automatically shared, and the running of the relationship is also equally shared.

What are effects on each partner. Many women are semi -permanently angry in a straight relationship as they feel it is unfair that they do more in the relationship than the man. It might be a useful exercise for a couple to list who does what and see if there is fifty fifty balance or a more lopsided balance. Or even more dangerous for the man to ask the woman whether she is happy or not so happy the way things are run. It might not be a friendly answer but it might provide clues as to why she is pissed off.

Nigel Turner

Girls are the targets of girls when it comes to bullying. While boys have the justified reputation of being physically aggressive to girls. (Which is bullying) Girls can be equally hard on other girls in a more surreptitious way. Boys are overt, girls are covert. The surprising numbers show that bullying by girls is on the increase while for boys it is declining slightly.

Where it has increased for girls is cyber-bullying. Unpleasant messages can and do hurt. About a third of girls say they have been bullied while it is 26% for boys. Boys punch and fight, girls do it under the table, setting other girls up to be embarrassed. There is a well known program in schools called SNAP which in many ways is similar to anger management for adults, teaching skills of how to get along, developing some empathy and understanding of consequences.

When parents are challenged by teaching staff about their child’s behavior they frequently go into denial, not wanting to admit there is a problem for which they may have some responsibility and influence. One has to ask what makes a girl want to be sneaky and hurt someone. Obviously she is hurting somewhere else in her life probably some unexpressed need that her parents have ignored, and wants to pass it on to someone else.

There is always a cause and a consequence with anger, it does not discriminate to either sex. It just is.

Nigel Turner

What do you do when you have a boss who makes you his shield and gofer because he is scared or incompetent to deal with difficult situations. We have clients who have blown their cool in these circumstances. They find themselves isolated and angry. They want to blame and at some point they lose it and do or say something foolish. They have kept themselves in a powerless position relative to everyone else

In anger management “How do you protect yourself?” This requires some assertiveness. If after trying unsuccessfully to engage your boss in constructive discussions it will have to be taken to a higher level. Many employees can be scared off by this, but once they have the courage to involve others they generally find they have allies.

It requires doing the homework, documentation plus some analysis of how and why the existing situation is failing the company. Higher level means that others are being affected by inefficiency of your boss. This is easier said than done. It probably finding allies at your level to give you support. It could mean going to HR, if stressed too much then are there health benefits? a union?
Otherwise you have to learn from him and develop your own ‘Teflon’, that means carrying out his wishes and saying “He says”.

Unfortunately there is not much else. Again ask yourself “How can I protect myself?’”The answer will come.The key is not to lose your cool.

Nigel Turner

With all the self justification in angry marriages to make the other wrong, sadly what is ignored is the cost to a life of domestic conflict. Studies in the US indicate that those who are married successfully there is more money for education, more income and a much better life style. 44 % of marriages end in divorce, 41% of new kids are bourn to single mums with the result that these kids will form the basis of the new underclass.

In anger management we say “Like attracts like” the co-dependency leads to two sick people waiting for other to make life work. At the other end of the scale healthy people attract healthy people. Obviously this is not always the case but the numbers bear something out that supports this.

If the marriage is on the rocks, why did it happen in the first place? How much energy is spent on blaming the other rather than asking what do “We “ or “I” have to do to make things work. Always motivation is the key. Part of the challenge is get the partners to see the benefits of being successful. That differences are part of the script for each side to work through the childhood expectations.

One of the simplest ways to redirect the dialogue is to ask what do you like about your partner. Rebuilding starts from what there is, not from what there isn’t .

Nigel Turner

There is a mess somewhere, in the office, at home. It doesn’t matter. What matters is you are upset, very upset. What is a normal unproductive response? As soon as the word “You” is used, this immediately comes a no win situation. What ever the strength of the outburst, sooner or later there will negative consequences, probably unforeseen. If there is shouting and screaming there will shouting ans screaming back, if there is hitting there will be hitting back, or revenge or outsider’s will be called. It is so naïve to think otherwise irrespective of how justified the outburst is. Going into aggressive overdrive takes the attention away from the issue and makes a personal attack on someone.

If there is accusation, belligerent ordering, belittling, blaming, lecturing, name calling, cursing, rage and put downs. All will fail because of the reaction they will generate. Unfortunately it can’t be otherwise. Newton’s Law: for every action there is a reaction, and this is a universal law. If one takes a look at one’s own angry outbursts there is always a pattern of some retaliation.
The only way through is to state your own anger to the issue and advise in someway how unacceptable the action is. It may require saying how you feel, it may not. It may require an explanation or it may not. It may be direct confrontation to an individual or it may be indirect talking to a group of what you want done.

Focus on the “It” whatever that is and this will produce results. You will feel good and keep your authority. Attack will lead to counter attack leaving you worse off than before and you will end up feeling bad.

Nigel Turner

Statistics show that violence and anger increase when there is a continuation of hot weather. July and August are the two months of the year when violence such as street shootings are at their highest.

What happens when it is hot outside our bodies manufacture more adrenalin to compensate for the temperature in order lower the body’s temperature. The normal temperature is 37centigrade, so when it is that warm outside particularly when the humidex readings are included the body goes into overdrive to produce more adrenalin.

When adrenalin is produced it creates stress. So when too much adrenalin is produced then much stress is produced. If tempers are not kept in check they flare up and there is a violent outburst. Often angry people ignore what is going on inside them: be it their body or their feelings. Anger management teaches self awareness. To ignore the heat when there is a history of edginess when it gets hot is naïve. It leads to bad decisions which lead to trouble

Nigel Turner

There is a definite gender difference between men and women when it comes to mental health. Men don’t like to admit they have problems until it becomes very critical. Unfortunately they often leave it until it is too late. Men’s suicide rates are four times higher than women. The women get the diagnosis and then get the treatment. When a woman is depressed she talks to her friends and sees a doctor, a man will get aggressive, go to bar party often get drunk on his own.

The woman identifies her anxieties or depression, the man will say he is stressed. The probability is he feels sad and depressed. But he doesn’t handle it out of a feeling of shame for being perceived as mentally weak.

What seems to work on a one on one basis is specific cognitive behavior approach which has a clear structure. Otherwise men work best in a group settings. While many men complain about having to go to anger management it is one of the best therapies for men to go because of interaction between the men. The scary reality is with unemployment and divorces so high that men have less ability to cope with these pressures than women. Responding by aggression, alcoholism or suicide are not smart ways to respond these stresses.

Nigel Turner

It is very apparent in anger management groups that teenagers are children. They are treated with kid gloves, not just by the facilitators but also by the other men. There is a recognition of some fragility. It is also mindboggling some of the remarks that come out. Strong racial biases, homophobic judgements and very sexist. It is a very simple world of good and bad, hurt or be hurt and absolutely no sense of consequences. Their brains biologically are not fully formed and are prone to major emotional decisions that leave one’s head shaking.

Where are they coming from? Their view is no one has really ever cared a dam about them so they have no care about anyone else either. This is their world. One of alienation, strange alliances and resentment. Many have been raised by single mums, to a certain extent orphaned and their only comfort is another orphan who is often a gang member.

The anger management group is often the first time they have been in dialogue with men. Their eyes get opened to the reality of life, that it is far from simple. Some leave with an understanding that the gun is a representation of their own powerlessness and impotence in the world but they love the power it gives them. And tragically they then feel safe. The challenge is for them to realize the power comes from within themselves, yet their experience has told them otherwise.

Nigel Turner

Many men in anger management are overly needy. They get onto relationships desperate for the woman, but constantly on edge that they may not be good enough. They are not in touch with their needs. They think the want a woman but really what they want is for the woman to want them. Then they feel safe. Anger management is all about identifying ‘needs’ When ever there is a trigger there is always a need. The destructive anger arises out of not knowing what the need is.

The basic needs of wanting respect, belonging, warmth and security are legitimate. But if the man is not aware of the need he flounders panics in looking for a life line and assumes that she has the answer. Management comes from the man identifying the need.

The probability is when he was young his own needs were never met well enough and he is still looking for them from someone else. When he is able to identify the need and then ask himself “How am I going to get this need met?” can he move into resolving the situation. He has the power, the paradox is when he knows his needs he stops being needy.

Nigel Turner